To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
You Might Also Like
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
#milo
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.