And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
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Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
#ParentingFacts
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.