My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
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Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body