Cndnsd Mlk
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If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.