I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
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[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.