Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
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I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!