baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
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My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
Breaking news:
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not