Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
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Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.