*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
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her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
I’m already scared
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.