Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
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When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
I don’t know what to do
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur