“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
You Might Also Like
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space