[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
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What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.