DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
You Might Also Like
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand