I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
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You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
incredible book dedication
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.