Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
You Might Also Like
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
thanksgiving in nutshell
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
Gemma Correll
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.