Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
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Do robots dream of electric sheep?
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
Breaking news:
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
It has been 3 years since Monday.
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”