[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
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The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait