Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
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*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.