hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
You Might Also Like
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.