Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
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Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
I think this cat is broken
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation