A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
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You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
are there any atheist mantises?
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.