Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
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My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …