Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
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Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
Mornin. * use accordingly
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.