Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
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After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”