I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
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Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
*pronounces UPS like yoops
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.