Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
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every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.