to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
You Might Also Like
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.