Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
You Might Also Like
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor