My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
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Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
🍛
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
Does your wife know you’re single?
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
It’s actually Dr. whatever
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back