They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
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i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.