If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
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[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
need a new bf mines broken 😐
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
yes yes a thousand times yes!
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit