Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
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I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
Breaking news:
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.