“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
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What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t