Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
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Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
You can’t outrun your problems…
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
Do not steal food from the science building!
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
Google reviews are always so mixed..
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am