I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
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Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
Welcome
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing