Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
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[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
Hey i am sexy to you now
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.