Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
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Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
reviewed some movies recently
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT