God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
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*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
based al yankovic
The French cow says MEUX…
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
“i miss shittin on people”
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.