“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
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[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
*cough*
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
This is a bad sign
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon