I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
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Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
Happy Taco Tuesday
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
We have a winner.
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.