me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
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LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd