Many hands make light work
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When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]