“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
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[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.