“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
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Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.