Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
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Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.