I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
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[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
Zack Greinke stories are the best
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh