doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
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*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop