When your teen is already bigger than you are…
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You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.