*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
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Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
This is a sub tweet
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit