Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
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Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”